Ah, But quietness has a price.

With our eyes wide-open and our hearts free it’ll be then we will begin to see not strangers but understanding friends. Do not let your heart be hardened and let God’s love enter in – His love will help you begin again.

Every day is a good day to lose your heart to others because no matter the price, it will make a good difference in your life. Everybody in the world needs someone no matter their station. Loneliness is inherent in mankind. Because this is so, anytime will be a good time to see mankind as friends.

Everybody needs someone, that someone can be you.

“To make a difference we must start somewhere, somehow.  Here and right now is a good time.”

journal entry 10.01.2009

Sister.  Another word for LOVE.

When you love someone more than you love yourself you’ll come to learn the true meaning of these words from St. Paul: “Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7

Despite our conflicts, I can’t imagine my life without my sister.   She was the first to help me experience God’s unconditional love.

If you want to see the truth of God and feel his presence in your life you need not look too far.  His presence can be found in the lives you share.  The love you give, the love you receive.  Look to faces of the people in your life and know that heaven is thisclose.  God’s love is thisclose.

Growing up kids tend to feel that parental love has a few strings attached.  Sometimes adults make you feel as though affection depended on good behavior and good grades and in some cases the willingness to do household chores.  But, my siblings, most especially my sister, loved me.  The love my sister has for me doesn’t go unnoticed even when the words so often go unspoken.  The words may go unspoken, but I know it is there.

I must confess that I was not the best sister most of time.  But she loved me despite myself.  I knew that no matter what I did, she would still love and protect me.  I can only hope that I have been a good a sister to her all these years.  My faith is stronger than ever because that is what her presence and love in my life has taught me.  I believe having Faith in all things allows your spirit and soul to soar beyond measure.  That to me, is an amazing gift.

Although we grew up and took different paths it doesn’t mean we have forgotten the path we have shared, nor does it mean we are alone.  We are present in each others hearts and no matter where life takes us we are never too far apart.

There are happy memories that only she and I share and it is those memories that keep me close when I have strayed too far from home.  It is what keeps me strong when I am at my weakest moments.

My sister will be celebrating her birthday tomorrow.

Dear Sister, I love you beyond any measure of the word.

And most of all, thank you for sharing the joys of your motherhood. 

I AM TRULY A PROUD AUNT.

journal entry 09.2009

How do I find the strength to be happy when things are not going so well?

Did you know happiness is contagious? Well, it is for me. I find strength in others. When I discover I’ve drawn the shorter stick in life I seek strength to make it through those tough times in trying to help someone. By doing so, I’ve discovered that you not only catch happiness but you become a carrier as well.

This method may seem self-serving to some people but that doesn’t matter to me. They’ve got opinions and that’s fine with me.

What matters to me is that people know how to find their happiness in times of chaos and despair. And that I’ve somehow created happiness for myself and for others in some small measure.

Take the time to search your soul and find your happiness. Happiness is always within reach, you just have to recognize it.

I hope you find your happiness. Whatever it is.

journal entry 09.18.2009

When we remember the past it gives us the strength to build a better future for ourselves and our families. If we forget, we forget what it means to have free will.

We are all unique not in that we don’t think or feel alike or share the same talents but it is what we choose to do with our knowledge and talents that will set us apart from one another. It is how we decide to use our free will that helps to define us as individuals.

So often we struggle with our need to be perfect that even though we have so many loving and supportive people in our lives all it takes is one negative person to change how we feel about ourselves. Sometimes what they say and do to us changes how we feel about the world too.

So while we get busy proving to the world that we are greater. It is important to know that we don’t have to prove to anyone but ourselves that we are better. By knowing that, you will be better for believing in yourself. And, that can make all the difference.

Everyday is an opportunity for something we can change or keep the same. It is a choice we decide and then leave behind.

journal entry 09.17.2009

When I was a teenager I attempted to take my own life. That night I was experiencing painful backflashes (flashbacks) of my childhood, those moments of emotional and physical pain overwhelmed me. At that moment I just wanted the pain to stop. Then I had an epiphany: I wanted to live.

Why? I have a mother I loved dearly and two siblings I cherished with all my heart. I remembered how much I needed them and because I needed them they must still need me too. So how dare I leave them behind? I had a responsibility. I was given a gift and it was wrong for me to throw it all away.

Shortly thereafter I was transported to the emergency room with the help of my mother because one of my best friends had suspicions after our short discussion and decided to call my mother. Apparently I had taken one too many pain medications.  After my nightmare at the hospital I was required to schedule visits to evaluate my mental health. After my first visit I was given the option to return at my discretion. I guess it was determined that I was mentally healthy enough to continue living as I have. No further treatment was deemed necessary.

The days following that incident my mind kept going back to the day someone told me that I would never amount to anything. That person said those words out of jealousy I knew it then but those words still hurt. It was a defining moment. I took those words and flipped it around, I wouldn’t say I became an overachiever, but I took every opportunity I had to prove that person wrong. I realized in that moment I own the definition of who I am. Nobody will tell me what I can and or cannot do. Nobody will tell me who I am. Nobody will own the power to hurt me that way again. People hurt us because we allow them to. People we care about are the only ones with that kind of power. And because we have the capacity to offer unconditional love I still have to remind myself of all this all the time – I can’t let my current depressive state define me. I can’t let anyone have the power to decide for me who I am. That power belongs to me. Nobody, nor any illness should take that power from me!

So many people in the world suffer from depression and even if we have every reason to be happy those exhausting feelings still exist.

In 1996 I lost my ability to become a Biological mother not by choice but due to a medical error. It has been difficult for me to accept and although I tell myself everyday that there is a reason for it all I still cry alone at night. Each year that goes by I get better at lying to myself about how I really feel. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sad.

“I am angry because every decision I’ve made was based on my desire to be a mother. I am hurt because I don’t know what I did to deserve such pain. And I am sad because I watch other people have the lives I have dreamt for myself.”

In 2002 when my niece was born I had the opportunity to care for her while my sister the military soldier returned to her duties. It was another defining moment for me. I don’t have to be a biological mother to love a child. I have the opportunity to be a mother in all the ways that count. I can choose to be happy.

I became even more determined to live my own advice. I remembered in that moment that I decide how I feel no matter what’s going on. Deciding to be happy gave me the power and strength to choose happiness at any given moment. I think we all can do that.

Giving in to depression and pain are no longer an option for me. Instead I keep myself busy with the things that matter to me. I’ve given up my career but that doesn’t mean I’ve become lazy. It just means I’ve taken steps towards living for myself and accepting my own limitations. I no longer drive myself crazy with my need to occupy my time with things to do but instead I take the time to actually understand and nurture my needs.

When you spend your life taking care of others it becomes difficult to think of yourself as important but when your world gets a little quieter and it will, you eventually begin to listen better to your own needs.

Yes. I have found myself falling flat on my face from time to time. But I simply just get back up. I finally realized after learning from others going through similar struggles that talking about my experiences and speaking openly about depression is important. It encourages other people with depression to open up, too. And that, I believe, it can save lives.

Suffering in Silence is something many people going through some type of depression choose to do. It is something I know very well. Some people keep there illness to themselves for the feared stigma, losing their job, but I have kept it to myself due to fear of seeming weak to my co-workers, family and friends. If you knew me well enough you would understand why it was important for me to remain strong in the eyes of others. When people rely on you for strength and support you tend to hide your pain.

The problem with staying silent is that the symptoms of depression are not always externally visible, and symptoms vary from person to person. To other people you can look healthy and even fit – while you’re feeling like hell. So no one knows that anything is wrong unless you, the person with the illness inform them.

I found that maintaining a good nutritious diet, 30-minute workouts daily, spiritual reading and surrounding myself with inspirational and positive people keep me going. I think that can help a lot of people living with all types of chronic illnesses.

And, although I would prefer not to be on medications I think it is important to consume medications as scheduled. Treatment plans would not exist if it weren’t necessary.

Just feeling something like anxiety sets off another chemical response that causes pain or some other uncomfortable sensation. So it is important for us struggling with depression to know and understand our triggers, so that we may learn to avoid it.

If you find yourself experiencing depression please seek help and maybe someday like many of us you’ll find the strength to share your story.

Yes. It is possible to find happiness again. Comfort can be found in the company of good people. There are good people in the world even if we don’t see them everyday.

The first step to rediscovering happiness is to choose happiness and live it the best way you know how one-day-at-a-time.

journal entry 09.11.2009

Post inspired by a special young adult in my life. This is for you, kid!

My niece recently announced that she was transferring to another school.  “Why” I asked.  “All my friends are transferring,” she answered.

I paused for a moment and the replied, “I guess that’s one way to pick a school.”  

This makes me wonder how often people make choices in their lives based upon what other’s have decided for themselves.  

I spoke to my niece about her decision to follow her friends.  I suggested that if she decides to do so, that she must keep in mind that her friends will not always be with her, therefore, she must be willing to fulfill her goals in life on her own someday.  She cannot depend on them to guide her as they will eventually move on without her and she must be willing to do the same.  

I realize that some people are dependant on the “buddy system,” but it is important to be willing to have the staying power when all others have left you behind.  Because people so often drift apart it is important to discover your personal identity before too much time has been wasted.  

I truly hope my niece will make the right choices for herself.  It is important to me that she lives a full and happy life.  I wouldn’t want her to feel as though she blinked and all-of-a-sudden time flew by. 

Well, I also informed my niece that she needs to make choices based on her needs.  So many people compromise every major decision in their lives because of others.  But we need to remember our value and decide that our happiness matters too.  I am not recommending that she be selfish or self-absorbed.  I am simply reminding her that if she wants others to be happy she must begin with making herself happy.  So much good can be inspired by a happy heart.  Happy people bring more happiness to the world, and that is just a simple fact of life!

I wish you all a happy journey!

Choose to live your own dream.  Choose to be happy!
]]> http://d2blahg.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/choose-to-chase-your-own-dream/feed/ 0 d2blahg http://d2blahg.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/hello-world-2/ http://d2blahg.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/hello-world-2/#comments Fri, 21 Aug 2009 00:59:58 +0000 d2blahg http://d2blahg.wordpress.com/?p=3 ]]> 35-year-old married female with a heart of a child and the mind and soul of a 100-year-old. I currently reside in the Evergreen State, amongst People I so often feel are from a far away planet. I grew-up in a slower pace environment, so living here has been different. As a child, I wanted to experience the city life style. And now, I also realize that faster means that time goes by faster too. I am aging just as quickly here. I’m still deciding if that’s a good thing. The choice of location, although was made for me by my husband with his need for security and the presence of family, has so far been a blessing. However, I do wish to be someplace else most days. Only because I miss the dry and warmer side of the Universe.

Conversations about spirituality and anything that is out of reach of the real world interest me. Talk to me about things that make your eyes light-up and I’ll easily get lost in a good conversation. I enjoy hearing about your life and by doing so; you inspire me to share mine. I find that people with severe problems who desperately need help attract me; this is actually a not so positive character trait of mine. In some cases, it is does more harm than good, so please do not allow me to take over all your problems because I can easily lose my identity in your situation. Because I am ruled by my feelings and emotions it is important to have people in my life to keep me grounded. Strong and positive people help bring-out the best in me. They keep me sane and goal oriented. So far, I have a good mix of friends. They keep my mind and heart busy.

I love adventure and almost always crave new situations and social events that will keep me on my toes. I am usually melancholy, so I will be impressed if you have the ability to make me laugh. I am not conservative, so do not be afraid to talk to me about unconventional or strange things. I am open-minded about most things and would be willing to listen, but be equally warned that I have the tendency to be brutally honest when need be.

I hate hearing the words: “I don’t know,” that to me is not a good enough answer. I expect people to at least TRY to have an answer. It shows initiative, which I personally believe is one of the key elements that help to keep us all moving forward in our lives. I am a strong believer in choices. I believe life doesn’t just happen, that we make it happen. Life moves in the direction we choose to move. The world is shaped by our choices, not just as individuals but as a whole. We cannot be naïve in thinking that our choices do not affect others because it does.

When I find myself in moments of despair, I find comfort in music and art.

Most of the time you will notice that my thoughts is scattered. I am not usually organized with my thoughts that’s because I am almost always doing more than two things at once. Rarely do I have ALL my attention on just one thing. It is a habit I learned sometime in my life. Simply a habit I refuse in whole or in part to let go. It evidently became apart of my survival skills.

Lastly, if you don’t mind a little sarcasm as well as try to keep things at a comfortable level because too much focus on me can make me feel a bit uneasy, if you can accept that, getting to know me will be smooth sailing.

“My life is like the Ocean. My thoughts and my emotions so much like the Ocean. The Ocean is both my nightmare and my salvation.” –dulcedoe